


The One Where Reggie Loses the Babies

by southsidewrites



Series: The Southside Serpents as F.R.I.E.N.D.S. [9]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Comedy, Dad Sweet Pea, F/M, Fluff, Friends AU, Friendship, Funny, Future Fic, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Protective Sweet Pea (Riverdale), Terrible Babysitter Reggie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 03:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18540940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/southsidewrites/pseuds/southsidewrites
Summary: When it's obvious that new parents Sweet Pea and Jubilee need a night out, Reggie volunteers himself and his wife Lydia to babysit.  Everything's going just fine until Fangs decides that they're not very good babysitters, and he needs to step in and make things right.  Chaos ensues when no one knows what's going on or where the babies are.  All they know for certain is that Sweet Pea is furious, and they need to find the babies before he gets home.Inspired by the subplot of episode 9x14 of Friends: The One with the Blind Dates; A One-Shot in The Southside Serpents as F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Anthology





	The One Where Reggie Loses the Babies

Reggie burst through the door of the apartment, a grocery bag in each hand and a huge smile on his face. “Babe, you’ll never guess what plans I just made us for tonight!”

From her prone position on the couch, Lydia looked up at him, one eyebrow raised skeptically.  Next to her, Vader was curled into a little ball, snoozing happily. “And what is that, Reg?  Because I’m really content to stay on this couch and chill right now.”

He laughed, setting down the groceries and getting to work unloading them. “Not quite—you definitely won’t have to get dressed up, though.”

Lydia dropped her head back on the throw pillow, shoving Vader out from under her shoulder. “Oh please, tell me,” she droned. “The suspense is killing me.”

Reggie rolled his eyes, walking over to the couch to lean over the back. “Actually, Lydia, we’re babysitting.”

“Babysitting?” Her eyes narrowed. “In what universe is that relaxing?”

“I never said it was relaxing,” he countered, leaning in to kiss her on the forehead. “You said that.  I just said you won’t have to get dressed up.”

“Yeah, because I’ll be covered in baby puke.”

He sighed, brushing her messy hair off her face as his eyes narrowed in concern. “I can say no, babe, if it’s going to be too much with—”

“No, no, no,” Lydia groaned, sitting up and pulling the dog onto her lap. “It’ll be fine, good actually, and Lord knows Jubilee and Sweet Pea could use a night out.” She quirked her eyebrow. “I assume you meant Weylin and Enid, right?”

“Do we know any other babies?”

She shrugged. “No, but I wouldn’t put it past you to offer us up to some stranger just to get your baby fix in.”

Laughing, Reggie stood up, returning to the kitchen to finish putting away the groceries. “No, I did not _offer us up to some stranger_ ,” he said, mimicking her. “I ran into Sweet Pea at the store, and the poor guy nearly killed a stock boy because they were out of the right brand of toilet paper.  I figured they could use a night off.” He grinned, trying not to laugh. “And hey, maybe being around some babies will—uh—get things moving for us, you know.”

Lydia’s eyes narrowed. “I’m pretty sure that’s not how fertility treatment works, Reggie.”

“Hey, you never know, babe.  I was just reading this article about—”

“Please, no,” she begged, falling back on the couch with a melodramatic sigh. “Please do not talk pseudo-science to me on a Friday night, Reg.”

Laughing, he closed the last few cabinets and walked back into the living room.  When he got to the couch, he looked down at Lydia expectantly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“What?” she asked, grinning mischievously as she stretched her arms above her head, letting out a contented yawn.

“You know what I want, babe.”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure if I’m in the mood to share the couch with you right now.”

He rolled his eyes, rolling up the sleeves on his button-down. “Oh really?”

“Really.” She nodded, smiling smugly.

“Alright then, guess I’ll have to take this into my own hands.”

“Reggie, what are you— _Reggie_!”

He scooped her off the couch, tossing her over his shoulder in one easy motion.  Vader woke up with a start, scampering out of the way when he saw what was going on.  Still holding Lydia, Reggie flopped onto the couch, holding Lydia so that she landed on top of him, their chests pressed together.

Lydia was clinging to his shoulders, her heart racing with the shock of being picked up.  Slowly, she looked up at him, her green eyes narrowed. “Rude.”

“You wouldn’t share,” he murmured, brushing her hair out of her face to kiss her lightly on the nose. “And I wanted to cuddle.”

Rolling her eyes, she wrapped her arms around his waist, settling in with her head on his chest. “I suppose you are pretty comfy.” Yawning again, she cuddled in closer. “And I was hoping to take a little afternoon nap before—”

There was a knock on the door, and Lydia groaned, burying her face in his chest.

“Come in!” Reggie called, trying not to laugh as he ran his fingertips through Lydia’s messy hair.  She sighed contentedly, so he didn’t sit up yet, giving her a final moment of peace before they had to be responsible for six-month-old twins.

The door opened, and they were greeted by Sweet Pea’s voice. “Where are you guys?”

“Hello to you, too,” Lydia murmured, finally sitting up to look at them over the couch.

Sweet Pea rolled his eyes, and Reggie sat up with a smirk, earning a troubled look from his friend. “Please don’t tell me you two are mid-fuck right now.”

“Sweet Pea!” Jubilee snapped, glaring at him. “What the hell?  No swearing in front of the—oh _fuck,_ I just—I _fu_ —here.” She set down the baby-carrier on the table, her lips curving into a soft smile when she saw the sleeping baby. “You guys take them because clearly, I can’t go three words without cursing.”

Laughing, Lydia climbed off of Reggie, pulling her oversized cardigan tighter around herself as she padded into the kitchen. “How are my favorite babies doing today?” she cooed, seeing that both were awake now.

Sweet Pea was unclipping the baby he had carried, already handing her over to Lydia as she approached. “Very, very excited to have a night out,” he replied.

Lydia rolled her eyes as she took Enid, immediately playing with her tiny fingers. “Hello, beautiful,” she laughed, her eyes lighting up as the baby smiled. “I am so happy to see you today.”

“Amazing how quickly she changes her mind,” Reggie mused, rolling off the couch to take the other baby. “What were you saying five minutes ago?  Something about—”

“Oh, shush,” Lydia cut him off.  She giggled as Enid reached for her necklace, prying her tiny fingers off of the sparkly diamond. “I am happy to babysit, even if my dearest husband only gave me ten minutes notice.”

Jubilee chuckled, giving Reggie an amused look as he rolled his eyes. “Well, I am sure you four will have a _great_ night.  They are at such a cute age.  And remember, since they’re eating solid food now, they poop non-stop and cry the second their diapers are wet.  Oh, and as you can see, Enid’s in a phase of grabbing everything she can get her sticky little hands on, and Weylin’s gotten really into pulling hair.”

“Don’t forget the screaming bloody murder whenever you leave the room,” Sweet Pea added, with an almost-deranged laugh. “Even when you just need to go to the bathroom and they are _perfectly_ safe in their crib.”

“On that note,” Jubilee said, her smile bright. “See you guys later!” Grabbing Sweet Pea’s hand, she darted out the door, yanking it shut behind her.

There was a moment of silence, and then Reggie nodded. “Well then, better stagger our bathroom schedules now.”

* * *

 

The babies sat in their pop-up playpen, happily playing with some kind of fluffy squishy animals that Reggie couldn’t even begin to identify.  He stood watching from behind the couch, his eyes narrowed in concentration.

“Well, kids, I think I’m just going to take a quick stroll into the basement now,” he said, emphasizing each word excessively. “I’ll be right back!” Slowly, he started ducking behind the couch, keeping his eyes on the babies until he disappeared completely behind the furniture. 

Within seconds, they started screaming.

“Oh my God, Reggie,” Lydia fumed, storming out of the bedroom. “Yes, it works every time you try it, for God’s sake.” In one hand, she was holding a large, paper calendar, and in the other, she had a handful of colored pens. “Could you please stop experimenting with them for ten minutes while I get this done?”

“Fine, fine,” he laughed, walking around the couch to sit down. “And what wisdom does the fu—” He cut off, remembering he couldn’t swear around the babies. “ _Sex_ calendar have for us today?”

Lydia rolled her eyes, lifting the calendar to scan it. “Well, I’ll be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so don’t even think about touching yourself for the next forty-eight hours.”

“Yes ma’am,” he replied, lacing his fingers together and resting his hands behind his head. “I will refrain from all—wait, did you say the sixth?”

“Yeah, the sixth,” she repeated, her eyes narrowing. “Why, is something wrong with that?”

“Aside from the fact that _today’s_ the sixth, nah, no problem.”

“Today?” Her eyes went wide, and she nearly dropped the calendar. “No way.  That would mean I’m almost done ovulating, and—oh, shit, that explains why all my students were so excited when I said their projects weren’t due today.  _Fuck.”_

“Language,” Reggie reminded her, glancing down at the playpen where twin sets of wide eyes were looking up at them. “We don’t want the babies to learn the F-U-C-K word from us—that’s Fangs’ job.”

“Oh my God, Reggie, this is not the time for jokes!”

“Just go take the test thingy, babe—I’m sure it’s still fine.”

“It better be!” she snapped, tossing the calendar and pens onto the table as she hurried toward the bathroom. “Or I’m blaming you!”

“What did I—” The bathroom door slammed shut, and he didn’t bother finishing his sentence. “Never mind then.” He looked back down at the crib to see both babies staring at him, their wide brown eyes sparkling with amusement. “Well then, kiddos, what—”

The bathroom door flew back open. “Reggie, why am I missing so many ovulation sticks?”

“I may or may not have used one to see if I was ovulating today,” he replied, trying to hold back a laugh.

“Reggie!” She slammed the door shut with a huff, and he snickered with amusement.

“She really does love me, you know,” he said to the babies. “But you probably get that—both of your parents can be a little scary sometimes, but we know they love us anyway.”

A moment later, Lydia came out of the bathroom, her entire body relaxing with relief.  “It’s all okay.  I’m still ovulating, but we need to do it right now.”

“Right now?”

“Right now,” she confirmed. “Because I am not taking _any_ chances.”

“Lyds, I—I don’t think I can.”

A confused look crossed her face, and she crossed her arms over her chest. “Oh, come on now, Reg.  I know we’re not eighteen anymore, but give it a few minutes, and—”

“No, not that!” He made a pointed look down at the crib. “ _Them_.  I can’t have sex with them right there.”

Lydia’s jaw dropped, and she looked down at them. “Oh, shoot, you’re right.  We can’t leave them alone without the screaming, and—shoot.” Sighing, she slumped onto the ground, sitting next to the playpen to look at the babies. “You guys are lucky you’re cute.”

“Sorry, babe,” Reggie laughed. “I guess we’ll just have to—”

“Unless…” she drawled.

“Unless what?”

“Unless we just…do it here?” Her words came out like a question, and she shot Reggie her sweetest grin. “I mean, come on, how much can they _really_ be aware of anyway?”

“ _Lydia!”_

“I’m sorry!  I just really, really don’t want to let another month go by without even trying, you know?”

“I know, but they—I mean, they notice if we leave the room, so I’m sure they’ll notice if we start… _canoodling_ in it.”

“Canoodling?” she asked, crossing her arms to give him an unamused look. “Really?”

“Well, I can’t say bang or screw in front of the B-A-B-I-E-S, now can I?”

Lydia rolled her eyes, pulling herself back to her feet. “Come on, Reggie.  What do you think people used to do in the olden days when everyone lived in a one-room cabin or cave or something?  People have sex all the time, you know.”

“Yeah, because I really thinking taking our cues on child-rearing from cavemen is the way to do it.” He sighed. “Seriously, Lyds.  Remember when we stayed at that Bed and Breakfast up in Maine, and you refused to take your clothes off because you swore a moose was looking in the window?”

“But what kind of sick bastard wants to do it in front of a moose?”

* * *

 

Lydia attempted to bite back a yawn as she walked out of the bathroom.  Tiredly, she glanced at her watch.  9:00 PM.  One more hour until Jubilee and Sweet Pea would be back for the twins.  When she walked out into the living room, her lips curved into a soft smile.

On the couch, Reggie was laying on his back fast asleep, a baby curled into each arm.  All three of them were sleeping peacefully, and Lydia almost regretted what she had to do.  Very slowly, she scooped up the first baby, slipping her quickly into the playpen with the gentlest of touches.  Then, she scooped up the second one, and by this point, Reggie was starting to stir, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Shh,” she soothed, half to the baby and half to Reggie, “you just stay all nice and sleepy until everyone’s in their own beds.”

Reggie’s lips quirked with amusement, and he yawned, waiting to stretch until Lydia had the baby safely in her arms. “They both asleep?” he whispered.

“They are,” she replied, her voice barely audible. “Which means we have to hurry before either one of them wakes up.”

“Alright,” Reggie chuckled, sitting up and running his hand through his hair. “So, I’ll try to be fast, and you need to try to be quiet.”

Lydia scoffed and then nodded with resignation. “Yeah, I’ll try to be quiet.”

Laughing silently, he loped across the room, grabbing her by the waist and yanking her into the bedroom.  Lydia slammed her hand to her mouth, muffling her surprised gasp.  She tugged the door silently shut behind them.

* * *

 

Fangs lifted his hand to knock on the door, and then, remembering that Reggie and Lydia were babysitting, reached for the knob instead.  Lydia would kill him if the babies were asleep and he woke them up by knocking.  Quietly, he pushed open the door, surprised to see that that kitchen and living room were empty.

“Lydia?” he called, his voice low and soft. “Reggie?”  No one answered, and he crept forward another few steps, making his way around the couch and into the living room.  He nearly jumped when he saw four wide eyes staring up at him out of the playpen. “Jeez, little dudes, you nearly scared the life out of me there.”  Shaking his head, he scooped them simultaneously out of the playpen, taking one baby in each arm. “Now where are your babysitters?  And why is the bedroom door closed?”

He walked over to the bedroom, freezing when he heard the sounds coming from inside. “Oh my God,” he gasped, his jaw dropping open in horror. “You can’t have S-E-X when you’re watching the B-A-B-Y-S.”  Clutching the babies tighter, he darted out of the apartment.

* * *

 

Reggie grinned as he pulled open the bedroom door. “Well, I’d call that a success.”

Lydia rolled her eyes. “I never, ever want to hear you call ten minutes ‘a success’ again.”

Laughing, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, kissing the top of her head. “Don’t worry babe, as soon as those babies are back where they belong, I will absolutely make it up to you.”

“I just wish I didn’t have to wait so long to take the pregnancy test,” Lydia replied, running her hand through her hair anxiously. “Every month, the anticipation nearly kills me.”

“Just relax, babe.  Getting stressed won’t help—what the—”

They both jerked to a halt, looking down at the empty playpen.

“Reggie,” Lydia said, her voice suddenly shaky. “Where are Weylin and Enid?”

“Don’t ask me!” Reggie said frantically. “I was in there canoodling you!”

“Okay, okay,” Lydia said, her breaths coming fast and hard. “I’m sure Jubilee and Sweet Pea just came back early and picked them up.  I mean, Jubilee knows about the whole fertility thing, so if anyone wouldn’t want to interrupt us, it would be her, right?”

“Or Fangs,” Reggie suggested. “He never knocks you know, and he really loves those kids.”

“Oh, good one!” Lydia said, smiling painfully. “You run across the hall to his place, and I’ll call Jubilee, okay?”

“Got it.” He nodded sharply. “We need to find them, or else Jubilee will literally kill us, probably at the same time, and with her bare hands.”

“Oh my God, Reggie,” Lydia sighed, grabbing her phone from the coffee table. “You better hope we’re pregnant with twins, because one way or another, we need to get two babies back to Jubilee.”

Her fingers shaking, Lydia dialed Jubilee.

_“Hey, Lyds, what’s up?”_

“Hey, Jubilee,” she drawled, fighting to keep her voice steady.  Did you and Sweet Pea by any chance stop by here just now?”

_“Um, no, why?”_

“Oh my God—then—”

The front door swung open, and in marched Fangs being led be a very pissed-off looking Reggie.  Each man was carrying a baby.

“Oh thank God, there they are,” Lydia breathed, relief flooding through her.

_“Lydia, what the hell do you mean ‘there they are’?  Where were they?”_

“Oh, nowhere!” Lydia chirped cheerfully. “We were just—um—playing a very intense game of peek-a-boo.  You know how they love it when you get into character, right?  Okay, see you soon, then, bye!” She hung up before Jubilee could ask any more questions. 

Then, she rounded on Fangs.  “Why the hell did you take them?” she snapped, sizing up against him as if she weren’t close to a head shorter.

“Because you two were having sex!” he snapped.

“No, we weren’t!”

“Oh really?” He scoffed. “Liar!  I can tell by Reggie’s hair!” He turned to Reggie. “Come on dude, you are so lazy.  Can’t you get on top for once?”

“I—wha—" Reggie sputtered. “Fine, we were having sex, but only because Lydia’s ovulating, okay?”

Lydia’s jaw dropped, and she was stunned into silence as Fangs turned to leave.

“Not okay!” he replied. “You can’t just have sex with twins in the next room.  I’m going to have to tell Sweet Pea and Jubilee about this.”

“No, wait, Fangs!” Lydia jumped forward. “Please, don’t.  They’ll kill us.”

“Hey, I have to.  Unless…” he trailed off.

“Unless what?” Reggie asked, crossing his arms imposingly.

“Unless you name your firstborn child Fangs.”

“What?” Lydia snapped. “Absolutely not, Fangs.”

“That’s not even your real name!” Reggie added. “Why would we name our kid Fangs?”

“Okay then, Mr. Smarty-Pants, what _is_ my real name?”

“I—um—”

“I thought so,” Fangs said triumphantly. “Therefore, your first child shall be named Fangs Danger Mantle.”

“Danger?” Lydia asked. “Since when did a shitty middle name become part of the deal?”

“Since Reggie didn’t know my actual name,” he replied smugly. “Because that’s just rude.”

“Oh my God, this is absolutely—”

The door slammed open with a bang, and Sweet Pea stormed into the apartment. “Where the hell are my kids, Mantle?”

“Sweet Pea, _language_!” Jubilee snapped. When she walked in behind him, she saw the babies safely in Reggie and Fangs’ arms and let out a sigh of relief. “What are you doing here, Fangs?”

“Oh, just kidnapping your children,” Reggie said nonchalantly, prying Enid’s hand off the button of his shirt. “He snuck in and tried to snatch them.”

“You _what?_ ” Sweet Pea rounded on him, pulling himself to his full height.

“That is a complete misrepresentation of the situation!” Fangs said, holding out the baby as a sort of tiny human shield. “I simply dropped by to visit my niece and nephew.”

“Oh, that’s what you call sneaking in while we’re distracted and _taking them back to your place_!” Lydia said, resting her hand on her hips. “Because I call that kidnapping!”

“Distracted?” Jubilee turned to Lydia. “What the hell had you two so distracted that Fangs could literally steal them out from under you?”

“I—um—”

“They were _fucking!”_ Fangs snapped. “They snuck off to get busy while the kids were napping!”

“You _what?_ ” Sweet Pea repeated, this time rounding on Reggie. “You did _what_ while you were supposed to be watching my infant children?”

“Lydia was ovulating!” Reggie exclaimed, taking Fangs’ cue and holding the baby carefully in front of him. “And unlike you two, we can’t just pop out twins after someone forgets a condom!”

“Hey, that’s not—” Jubilee started, but she was cut off as the entire room disintegrated into a flurry of shouts.  Everyone was shouting at someone else, the room filling with a volley of increasingly threatening insults.  No one heard the door slam open, and it wasn’t until a sharp whistle cut through the din that everyone shut up.

“Hey, HEY, ENOUGH!”

Jubilee’s eyes widened, and she had to blink a few times to make sure she wasn’t seeing things. “Jughead?”

“Yeah, Jughead,” he replied grumpily, shooting evil glares at everyone in the room. “Live next door, remember?  And I’m _trying_ to get some sleep, but you idiots are making that very difficult.  The babies are safe, Fangs is an idiot, Reggie and Lydia banged, there we have it.  Typical Friday night material, folks.  Time for everyone to go home and get some goddamn sleep.”

Everyone muttered lame apologies, and Fangs and Reggie handed over the babies to their parents.  Once Jughead was sure all was right, he gave them a sharp nod and left.

“So, I suppose this means we’re banned from babysitting duty, aren’t we?” Reggie asked, his head drooping slightly.

“Are you kidding?” Sweet Pea scoffed as he clipped the baby back into its carrier. “Free babysitting just a floor away?  You’d have to do a whole lot worse than have sex to ruin that sweet deal.”

Jubilee rolled her eyes, lifting the other baby carrier onto her arm. “Assuming we ever leave them with any of you people again.”

“Hey!” Fangs replied indignantly. “I resent that.”

“And I resent this whole situation.  Fangs, stop entering people’s homes without knocking.  Reggie and Lydia, hope you got knocked up.  I’ll see you all tomorrow.” Yawning, she started out the door, Sweet Pea following close behind with an amused shrug.

“And on that note, I’ll take my leave as well,” Fangs said, nodding to Reggie and Lydia. “Remember to lock your doors, and have a lovely night.”

“Get out of here,” Lydia scoffed, following him to close, and lock, the door.  Then, she walked back into the living room and flopped onto the couch. “What a weird night.”

“I agree.” Reggie lifted up her legs to sit down, letting her legs rest on his lap.  Absentmindedly, he trailed his fingertips up and down her thigh. “So, still want to take me up on my offer to make it up to you?” he asked, flashing her a devilish grin.

She rolled her eyes, taking his hand in hers and dragging her thumb across the back of his hand. “Seriously, Reg, you’re still horny after all that?”

“I wouldn’t say _still_ horny, but we did have to go pretty damn fast before, and you know how I feel when you don’t—”

“Yeah, I get it,” she laughed, cutting him off.  She looked up at him, catching her lower lip between her teeth and pressing her legs down on his lap. “And now, we don’t even have to move to the bedroom.”

“Oh shit, babe,” he murmured, leaning down to silence her with a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! If you enjoyed this, please check out the other works in the Southside Serpents as F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Anthology as well as my other Reggie x Lydia fics!
> 
> Thanks so much for your love and support!


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